Wednesday 28 November 2012

A quiet drink or two

A [Home Office] spokesman added: "Those who enjoy a quiet drink or two have nothing to fear from our proposals."

BBC news (see here)

A Nazi spokesman added: "Gentiles have nothing to fear from our proposed 'final solution'"

Attrib.

What about three drinks? Or what if, while slightly inebriated, you raise your voice in defense of your opinion that the Home Office has exceeded its democratic mandate? God help you if you get shit-faced and take a piss against the walls of the Palace of Westminster.

According to Nick Triggle, Health Correspondent for the BBC, "ministers are proposing a minimum price of 45p a unit [say £4.20 for a bottle of plonk] for the sale of alcohol in England and Wales as part of a drive to tackle problem drinking...The Home Office said the consultation was targeted at 'harmful drinkers and irresponsible shops'...Research carried out by Sheffield University for the government shows a 45p minimum would reduce the consumption of alcohol by 4.3%, leading to 2,000 fewer deaths and 66,000 hospital admissions after 10 years...The number of crimes would drop by 24,000 a year as well, researchers suggested."

There are precious few reasons to remain in Blighty; the only reason I'm still here is inertia. The BBC is no longer a candidate reason. Having fingered the wrong man, in its pursuit of witches (aka paedophiles), it has become incapable of speaking its mind.

It is regularly claimed that I live in a free country, where I am encouraged to do anything I please that isn't specifically prohibited under law. Even were this absurd claim true, which it is not, there are so few enjoyable activities that are still legally sanctioned that I might as well report to Stalin.

If I take my seventy-something-year-old Mum to the pub for lunch, she has to skulk off to the car park whenever she wants a fag. If I am curious about the experience of being high on any drug other than alcohol or nicotine, I had better be careful that the pigs aren't watching. I suppose that I should gratefully acknowledge my freedom to teach infants that they are damned unless they 'agree' to be baptised before they die, but strangely enough that's a right I've never been keen to invoke.

We must take a stand. We must state clearly that we do not care how our government thinks we should behave. We must smoke in pubs (sigh, I shall have to take up smoking, which I hate); drink to excess; abuse illegal drugs; have sex with 15-year old girls and boys, with their consent; treat members of barbaric, palaeolithic cults with contempt; hunt foxes if it pleases us to do so; and force our loathsome politicians back into the shadows where they will once again feel at home.


Tuesday 27 November 2012

Life. Part IV. A New Hope.

Just discovered I've been divorced for three months. No-one had thought to tell me. This is almost funny; in fact, I expect that years hence I'll laugh when I recall the moment my ex-wife broke the news that we hadn't been married for some time. In the moment, however, it felt like a slap in the face, not a punchline. Way-hay, I'm a bachelor again. If I weren't so fat that I can barely see my own dick in a mirror, an (occasionally) functioning alcoholic and in possession of a negative libido (I have been whiling away the evenings watching 'Dexter', an American TV series about a serial killer and I relate strongly to the eponymous anti-hero, who has found the perfect girlfriend in a woman traumatised by a previous abusive relationship into an extreme aversion to sex), I am sure that this situation would open up vistas invisible to the species Bridget Jones referred to as 'smug marrieds'. As it is, I can't think of this as anything other than Very Bad News. Perhaps the worst I have ever received.

Love is the most bitter of the many poisoned chalices that an uncaring universe has bequeathed to us, her most self-important creation. Or is that just me? When I reflect back on my life, it is blindingly obvious in the brilliant laser beam of hindsight, that love has caused me far more pain than hate, anger, guilt, shame and remorse combined. The fierce love I bore for my father caused us both anguish that ended, with his death, only for him. The less complicated love I bear for my mother causes us both great distress still, because neither of us knows how to express it. I loved my first wife so intensely that I was unable to enjoy life away from her and, when my love for her burned out suddenly and unexpectedly, the result was a year of abject misery for her and me. Unrequited love, which followed, hurts more than any physical pain short of torture but perhaps it leaves fewer scars than requited love gone bad. And then came true love - ah, true love - how exquisitely crafted it is to cause the maximum level of suffering that a normal human being can bear without breaking.

When I survey my friends and acquaintances, I can't help but notice that my experience of love is not unique. In fact, it seems to be almost universal. Everyone I know seems either to be enduring a miserable relationship, or not enduring it, causing misery of a different sort. A few gay friends seem to have avoided this love-trap but probably I just can't read their relationships accurately. The unconditional love that almost every parent bears for his children causes, of course, more agony than any of the other loves one is required to endure in an average life, and I can't help but wonder whether childless relationships - gay or straight - are not happier. Every misery that my father inflicted upon me must have felt twice as awful to him. When my young son told me that there were only two things he is 'sad of'; when mummy forgot to bring his pirate costume to school one day and the fact that I don't live with him any more, I sincerely wished I'd never been born.

I'd like to say that I'm done with love. That I'll stomp on the treacherous little turd's head the next time it shows itself. But the truth is I am hopelessly, forever, in love with many people and I will go to my grave lamenting all the pain those loves - requited or not - have wrought. 

Saturday 24 November 2012

Old friends

I was driving my schoolfriend Chris to Chippenham station this afternoon. Mis-guideldly, I suggested to my kids that they sing to Chris a song I'd taught them as infants, beginning 'God is a cheeky monkey...' Louie, one of Pieter's friends, was also in the car and he responded with 'Our God is a great big God (see here). Chris, sandwiched in the back seat betweeen Pieter and Louie, extemporised and suggested the alternative lyrics, Our God is a great big God, and he spends a lot of time on the bog.'

This suggestion was well received and resulted in much discussion of whether God is too fat to fit down the chimney at Christmas. We wondered, collectively, whether, if God farted continuously for the whole month of November, he might be slim enough by December 25th. In the end, we decided it'd be safer to rely on FC to deliver presents and let God take care of the hymns.

I wondered whether God the Father might have been a tragic mis-translation of God the Farter and his accomplices The Bum and the Wholly Shit but the kids had no opinion on this subject. Goodness, it's hard work undoing the damage we pay other people to do unto our kids.

The land of the blind

WHAT’S THAT!
One shiny wet nose! 

Two big furry ears! 
Two big googly eyes! 
IT’S A BEAR!

Michael Rosen & Helen Oxenbury

The captain is a one-armed dwarf
He's throwing dice along the wharf
In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king
So take this ring... 

Tom Waits

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king and, in a car with two occupants, the former zoology student is instantly promoted to resident expert on all matters ursine, when a bear appears unexpectedly on the road less traveled ahead.

'Holy crap!' says Spike, 'It's a bear!' Which is as succinct a description of our situation as you'd expect from a former student of English Literature. Moving with the grace of a ballet dancer and at the speed of a striking cobra, Spike hits the power window button (on his side, not mine).

'Um, will it charge the car, or anything?' he asks. I know less about bear biology than I do about foraminifera, say, but I have discovered in life that it's not what you know that counts, it's the conviction with which you express your opinion.

'No.' I said, authoritatively. 'It's just curious. We're probably the first human beings its ever seen.'

'What do they eat?' Asks Spike, evidently less impressed by my fund of bear-lore than I am. 'Um, vegetables, I think, and worms probably. Humans too, but rarely.'

The bear seems to be curious. It swiftly retreats from the road into the forest but I can see it examining us, peering out from behind tree trunks, evidently frightened, but not enough to vanish.

This is a magical moment. Neither Spike nor I had seen a wild bear previously in our 80+ combined years of globe-trotting and neither of us expects to see another. There are only a few thousand bears left on Hokkaido, or perhaps only a few hundred (see here for an impeccably researched article on the subject), and the more I think about it, the luckier I feel for having encountered one. Our bear is a beautiful animal, with dark brown fur and a honey-coloured collar and face.

It's a particularly bad time to be a bear in Hokkaido, though perhaps there has never been a really good one. To stray into a town, where the dustbins overflow with bear food in the way that Israel allegedly did with milk and honey, is tantamount to suicide. The news-starved providers of content for Japanese domestic TV dispatch reporters to cover the bear hunt and its inevitable death, at the hands of police marksmen. Terrified civilians are interviewed: 'How is this possible? I mean, I have a baby. The bear might have eaten her. Why isn't the government doing something?'

Spike suggested, and perhaps on this occasion he is even right, that the reaction of most Japanese citizens to our encounter would have been horror or revulsion or a demand for a detachment of paratroopers to be sent immediately to kill the beast. Spike and I spent most of our time together in Japan seeking out roads that no sane native of those islands would voluntarily travel. On the occasions when our attempt to drive such roads wasn't thwarted by an impassable steel-and-concrete barrier, we encountered virtually no other traffic. It is a bizarre experience, traveling in one of the most populous nations on earth, to find oneself completely alone, barely a dozen miles from the nearest 7-11. If you had a puncture out there, you'd either starve to death or walk out.

When we were students together, Spike introduced me to Tom Waits. I quoted the line at the head of this post in an essay on optimal foraging theory, written in my final exams, and I've been looking for an excuse ever since to deploy it again.

Tuesday 20 November 2012

As good today as it's always been

Driving through Bradford-on-Avon today, I passed an enormous truck, heading in the opposite direction. 'Hovis', said the words on the side facing me, 'As good today as it's always been.' The advertising genius who came up with this slogan is destined to go far. The claim is impossible to challenge. Competitors or consumers who say that Hovis makes tasteless, chewy, steamed dough can hardly complain, unless they are prepared to admit that Hovis, once-upon-a-time, made bread. Fans (are there any over the age of ten?) can congratulate themsleves on their judgement and a small percentage of the mindless majority might possibly be persuaded to defect from Allinson.

The only reason I am writing about this is that I have a good Hovis story, told to me by a bloke who was, at the time, very senior in Rank Hovis McDougall. One evening, after a few glasses of wine, he told me that RHM had participated voluntarily in serious discussions with the government of the day about reducing the amount of salt that British people consume in their ordinary diet. It turns out that, for most people, bread contributes more salt in absolute terms than any other dietary component. According to my source, RHM offered to reduce the amount of salt it used in bread manufacture by a certain, quite large, percentage and the government negotiator went away very happy.

What Hovis did then was very clever. The 'master bakers' - I swear that is what they are called - were instructed to reduce the amount of salt per loaf in all the 'own label' bread they produced on behalf of supermarket chains (how could the customers complain?) and increase, by a smaller amount, the salt per loaf in Hovis. Salt is what makes bread taste good. Result? Government ecstatic and consumers defect in droves from own-label bread and start buying Hovis, which now tastes better and generates much higher margins for RHM. The subversive/anarchist in me warms to any tale of authority being shown the finger in this way and I have had a soft spot for RHM (but not Hovis) ever since.

Monday 12 November 2012

Cretin of the year

It's been a while. I've been in Japan, collecting seeds and getting drunk in the unlikeliest of places. Even when I am most engaged with the outside world, news reaches my ear at the speed of a homing pigeon. Buying newspapers or turning on the telly would keep me connected but why, honestly, should I bother? I bought a copy of the Sunday Times last weekend, only because I'd decided to stop for lunch in a pub on the way home from visiting a friend in Somerset and wanted something to read.

Nick Clegg and Vince Cable have earned, I discovered, our sincere thanks for making it so fucking miserable to be a UK taxpayer that all the well-paid people in the country have moved to New York, which has overtaken London as the financial capital of the world. This will cost the Treasury about £30 billion in foregone tax revenues, an excellent bargain considering that the tax system is now so much fairer. Incidentally, I discovered recently that Nick Clegg was an exact contemporary of mine at Cambridge University, which makes me feel less bad about my underachieving life.

Barack Obama has won a second term as President of the USA (what, you hadn't heard), defeating by a terrifyingly narrow margin a Mormon named Mitt Romney, a man whom, thanks to the intervention of the Antichrist, no-one will remember three or four years from now. Mormons believe that Jesus visited the USA after his resurrection and revealed to Joseph Smith His true teachings. Perhaps it's just me, but isn't the only relevant difference between Romney and Ahmaninedjad of Iran that, whereas the latter would like to have a nuclear bomb but can't because he's not a Jew, the former would have had several thousand, had it not been for African-Americans, 93% of whom voted for Obama. If this is not an argument in favour of naked prejudice, I'd like to see a better one.

The Church of England has a new Archbishop of Canterbury, news that was announced on page three of the Sunday Times in a short column next to a large picture of Paula Broadwell, who'd been screwing David Petraeus, (former) head of the CIA, until his wife found out. The journos at the ST can't have much fun but poor Justin Welby is an easy target. Apparently the new Archbish announced 'during a visit to a food parcel initiative in Sunderland' that 'it's a very strange feeling when you find yourself having odds quoted on you at a bookies. Generally speaking, I am not a horse. I think that's a really important point to get across.' According to the ST, he also intends to reduce the gulf between rich and poor, while at the same time reconnecting with the wealthy. 'He is conscious that having a lot of money makes it easier to rely on material things...It's his opinion that it can be harder to be spiritual if you're rich', according to a spokesman. That's a really profound insight, when you think about it.

The BBC is in trouble, having mistaken Lord McAlpine for a paedophile of the same name. Easily done, when you reflect that most heterosexual Scottish men secretly fancy girls just slightly younger than the appropriate age. As do most heterosexual men in every other country on earth. The traditional media are naturally obsessed with their own imminent demise, which is why Welby, the City of London and even the square-jawed fantasist from Salt Lake City were on page three.

Nadine Dorries, who is apparently a Tory MP, has appeared on a TV programme called 'I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of Here...' This is the most interesting thing she has ever done. Acording to the ST, 'the Prime Minister was informed by his aides while having breakfast in Abu Dhabi'. Thank goodness for the civil service. Hats off chaps.

Catherine Robbe-Grillet has revealed that she had sex with her late husband and that occasionally they used whips to enhance their mutual sexual pleasure. Fuck, I'd never have thought of that.

Sunnis and Shiites are apparently taking opposite sides in the conflicts in Iran, Iraq and Syria. I don't like to boast but I think I could have predicted that. Both sides agree that the Prophet Mohamed flew to Mecca first class on Etihad Airlines but they differ on whether his complimentary socks were blue or red. This is a really worthwhile reason for going to war and I just don't understand the imbeciles who disagree.

It will be some time before I buy another newspaper.

Wednesday 12 September 2012

Talent

'I am afraid, Rita, that you will find that there is much less to me than meets the eye.'

Frank to Rita in Educating Rita

'Well, we never really know anyone, do we?'

'M' to Bond in A Quantum of Solace



Willie Rushton's script for Educating Rita is full of penetrating observations on class, relationships, alcoholism, suicide and the utter futility of most intellectual lives. It also contains my favourite bit of dialogue in the entire western canon (make of this assessment what you will).

Frank: Sod them, eh, Rita! Sod them!
Rita: Will they sack you?
Frank: Good God no. That would involve making a decision. Pissed is all right. To get the sack, it would have to be rape on a grand scale. And not just with students, either. That would only amount to a slight misdemeanour. No, for dismissal it would have to be nothing less than buggering the Bursar.

I think - though I'll admit that literary criticism was one of my weaker subjects at 'O' level - that Rushton intended us to agree with Rita that Frank was being too hard on himself. Frank, though, knows better. He is a fraud, whose only talent is to be slightly less talentless than his hopeless students. When Rita makes the mistake of praising his unpublished poetry he replies: 'This clever, pyrotechnical pile of self-conscious allusions is worthless, talentless shit.' And no doubt he is right.

You will not be surprised to hear that I identify with Frank, to the extent that I think I understand him far better than his creator does. Frank was at the front of my mind as I drove earlier today to a meeting with my psychologist. I intended to bully her into agreeing that I am, basically, a total loser. Inevitably, I failed. It seems that my one real talent is an ability to exaggerate my talents. You are going to say that I'm fishing for compliments (or, since you know that pretty much anything could push me over the edge right now, you are just going to think it) but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the truth is almost exactly the opposite - I am fishing for insults.

I seem to have lived my entire life surrounded by people who expected great things from me. In itself, this is presumably not unusual. Many children bear the burden of their parents failed ambitions. What is odd about my own situation is that my failures do not seem to dent the faith of my followers in the inevitability of great success around the corner. This has become really annoying.

It started, I think, when my Dad suggested to my golf coach that I was a 'natural'. The coach, seeing an annuity income stream stretching into the far future, agreed that this was probably true and it took literally years of staggeringly inept golfing performances on my part before Dad accepted that my golf coach just didn't have what it took to unleash my potential. Unfortunately, the old man assumed that, since golf wasn't my thing, I must have other talents, hitherto unsuspected. I was born to please my father and no doubt I shall die trying to appease his memory so, in desperation, I made an immense effort to excel at something. It is no accident that my specialization of choice was biology, a field of study that my prep school considered so insignificant it was taught by a volunteer once a week, after homework. No-one else gave a shit and I saw my opportunity. So began the legend that I am a talented biologist and I have been leveraging it ever since. My biological skills have been so highly leveraged that, if I were to issue junk bonds, I would not merit a 'D' rating.

Occasionally, though not very often, I feel sorry for the mental health professionals whose misfortune it is to have me as a client. Today was such an occasion. I was determined to secure agreement that, in at least one respect, I am a failure. Bad father, I suggested. 'Do you abuse your children?' She asked, as though a negative response would imply impeccable fatherhood credentials. 'Well, no', I replied, 'but I do let them watch a lot of television.' She looked at me pityingly. 'Well, OK, I said, I'm a bad husband.' 'Do you beat your wife?' She didn't have to ask. Well, of course I don't beat my wife, because I didn't grow up in Arkansas, but surely that doesn't make me a good husband? I gave up.

If you spend enough time around people who tell you that you are intelligent, attractive and talented, eventually you start to believe it. This is a terrible mistake. My belief in my own myth reached its apogee when I was an undergraduate. At that time I sincerely believed that I was cleverer than my peers and this attitude rubbed off on my teachers, who came to believe the same thing. As a result, I was made an extraordinary offer. I was given a PhD studentship with no strings attached. My supervisor, an eminent zoologist, told me I could study whatever I pleased and he seemed only mildly put out when I chose to study botany. All of his previous students and, for all I know, all of his subsequent ones, went on to become distinguished academics, except me. Years later I met a guy who had been supervised by the same man. When we'd made the connection, my new acquaintance said 'Oh, yes, I know about you! When I thought I'd never finish my thesis, N consoled me by saying that he'd once had a student who's PhD consisted in proving that as trees get taller they also get wider.' Which is as concise a summary of my contribution to science as could be made.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to fail and I don't enjoy being a loser. It is frigging difficult, however, being both a failure and a loser and at the same time bearing the burden of expectation that goes with being a success. I don't know whether being regarded more realistically would improve my mental health but I am willing to give it a go. Are you?

Thursday 16 August 2012

Curiosity saved my life

While my brain was rebooting after its flirtation with total mother board failure, NASA's rover Curiosity was completing its 563,270,400km journey from Cape Canaveral to the Gale Crater on Mars. We have become so accustomed to seeing images, from telescopes on earth and in orbit around it, of stellar objects unimaginably distant in time and space that we have become blase about distances within the solar system. If Ben Fogle, fresh from swimming the Atlantic, decided for some unfathomable reason to walk to Mars in Curiosity's footsteps, it would take him about 30,000 years to get there, at eight hours plodding per day. It's a long way.

When it was launched, Curiosity was not aimed at Mars but at where Mars would be 256 days later. In fact it was aimed at a specific window on the surface of the Martian atmosphere a couple of kilometres wide, which it needed to hit in order to land close to its target. In the event, it touched down 2.4km from the bullseye. This is equivalent to firing a rifle in London and putting the bullet through the middle of Sarah Palin's forehead in Alaska, give-or-take 2cm, which admittedly might not be accurate enough. Fortunately the Gale Crater is a more forgiving target than Ms Palin's ganglion and Curiosity is safely on the ground, and sending back spine-tingling images from another world.

My wife made an interesting observation the other day. She said that it is very difficult to be curious and depressed simultaneously. I like a challenge and this one seems as good as any. Wanting to know how things are going to turn out is certainly incompatible with wanting to be dead as soon as possible. Or at least, one has to make a choice which of these two desirable goals is the lesser evil.

I am curious about a lot of things. How my kids will change as they grow older, for example. They are already, aged six and seven, able to do things I've never mastered, like sight-reading music and speaking two languages. They will, I am sure, grow up into vastly more capable adults than I am and, other things being equal, I'd like to be around to see that. I'm curious to know whether Seth Shostak's prediction that SETI will detect a signal from another civilisation within the next 24 years (see here) comes true. If it goes to the wire, I'd be 66 when ET calls, an age that currently seems less plausible than the call. I am curious about the implications of the fact that different members of the same species of ape can decide to fly a car to Mars and an aeroplane into a skyscraper. I would like to know how the debate on whether we are hard-wired for religiosity (see, for example, this talk or this book or this interview with E.O. Wilson) turns out and therefore whether the Enlightenment dream of a world free from superstition is doomed. I'd like to see whether Martin Rees's prediction that we are living through our species' final century prior to extinction is more or less accurate than Ray Kurzweil's confident expectation that humanity is on the cusp of the 'singularity', a transition to an immortal, post-human utopia in which people are liberated by technology from care. Being a depressed realist, my money is on Rees and Jaron Lanier's observation that (to paraphrase) technology is crap, doesn't work and liberates us only momentarily, until we find a way to fill the void with yet more pointless work. More prosaically I am curious to know what the snowdrops and hellebores that I've planted as seeds collected over the last several years from wild populations around Europe look like when they start to flower in large numbers next year. I am sure that passionate gardeners live longer than other people, because there is always another spring to look forward to (gardeners in the tropics probably croak at the same age as everyone else).

The title of this post should really have been 'Curiosity deferred my death' but that more honest appraisal of my situation seemed both less euphonious and unlikely to draw anyone in. Unlike taxes and pace Kurzweil, death can neither be avoided nor evaded but it can be postponed. Usually, after a period of exceptionally low mood (and last week was as low as I've ever been), I experience a sort of relief rally, during which something akin to optimism clouds my otherwise impeccable judgement. This time, however, there hasn't even been a dead cat bounce. Curiosity, and a sense of deep obligation to the family members and friends who have rallied round me in a way that I simply don't deserve, have kept me going, despite a profound wish to curl up and die.

Monday 13 August 2012

The Edge

There is nothing funny about suicide, for friends of the corpse. Well, almost nothing. An acquaintance of my parents killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head, when I was a schoolboy. I distinctly remember overhearing a conversation about the incident between my mother and a friend of hers. Friend: 'How did you hear?' Mother: 'God told me.' 'God' was Godfrey, a mutual friend of the dead man and my mother. There was a pause and then howls of laughter. Ours is a cruel species.

I have flirted mentally with the idea of suicide since childhood. As I have explained to countless exponents of the dark arts of mental health medicine, these flirtations have almost always taken the form of fantasies. I imagine myself, post-painless-suicide, breathing a sigh of relief and getting on with life after death, freed of the burdens of a perfectly ordinary life.

The gulf between suicide fantasies and suicide attempts is a vast and yawning chasm, precisely because, if it weren't, our ancestors would have reacted to the unrelenting misery of their prehistoric lives by ending them, as early as possible. Homo sapiens is not extinct because the dawn of consciousness gave birth to a capacity for enduring suffering without precedent in the history of life.

I tried to commit suicide a few days ago. For present purposes, the reasons don't matter. Because I was diagnosed years ago with clinical depression I consume a daily cocktail of more-or-less toxic pychotropic drugs and, for a few days after collecting my monthly prescription, I have the means in my medicine bag to kill myself painlessly. Once before I'd taken a handful of pills, knowing that I'd be very unlikely to die, but eager to put my life on the line. It wasn't so much a cry for help as a squeak and I fluffed it by failing to tell anyone until after I'd woken up. This time I really meant it and I swallowed most of the sleeping pills that I had to hand (amusingly enough, the reason I didn't swallow all of them is that I wanted to have a few left, in case I failed in my attempt to die). Just before I went to bed, not expecting to wake up, I lost courage. Cowardice is surely the most under-rated of human virtues. I sent an email to four friends, telling them what I'd done.

I woke up to find a policeman tickling me. 'Fuck off.' I said. 'Can't do that.' He replied and continued tickling. It is impossible to sleep while being tickled by a policeman, even when your brain is bathed in chemicals designed to shut it down. When you think about it, that fact puts medical technology in its place. After a while the tickling policeman announced that an ambulance had arrived and that it was going to take me to hospital. 'I don't want to go to hospital.' I said. 'I want to stay here and die.' Warming to my theme I added (I remember all this quite clearly) 'Do you have the right to take me to hospital, against my will?' 'Yes.' He said. 'If you don't agree to come, we'll section you.' I stood up.

The few hours I spent in hospital passed in a blur. A friend got through on the phone to the ward and I chatted to him for a while. I cannot remember anything about the conversation. Another friend arrived a few minutes later and sat by my bed for the rest of the morning, while I drifted in and out of consciousness. Later my brother and sister arrived, separately, and I will remember the gentle, loving smiles on their faces, as they looked down at me, for the rest of my life.

I spent the following days in a room that is a cross between a monastic cell and the Sandy Lane. Enveloped between crisp linen sheets, on a bed as yielding as a cloud, I slept and slept and slept. When eventually I emerged, I was plied with delicious food and wine, the latter administered in quantities carefully calculated to minimise the risk of brain damage while maximising the chances I'd think twice before having another go. For the record, I think 'two glasses' is a figure of speech.

A week or so has passed and I am back to what doctors refer to as 'normal for Norfolk'. I don't come from Norfolk but you'd never know. In the interim I've spent two days with my wife and children, on the astonishingly (to me) lovely beach north of the Hague. We played catch, built sandcastles and tried to engineer a channel between our deckchairs and the sea, which was about 5,000m away. I read stories from 'The Magic Faraway Tree' to Elsje and Pieter, while they curled up beside me in bed, and it was quite hard for a while to imagine wanting to be dead. I have, however, a good imagination.

The trials of life are hard. Some people (how I envy them) seem to confront life as a surfer does, punching through the breakers to reach the big waves that make life worth living. Others (like me) wallow in the shallow water, fearful of sharks. This is going to end only one way. Not today.





Friday 6 July 2012

My hero

If anyone can produce a more succinct, penetrating and devastating comment on Britain's political priorities than this, I will give up alcohol. For a week.

'We've spent more on bailing out the banks in one year than we have on science in Britain since Jesus...and look what we did with that. We invented the industrial world.'

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-18736011


Sunday 24 June 2012

Healthy, Hand Made and Solidary




I bought this sandwich, at La Cervecería in Barcelona Airport’s Terminal C. This building is dedicated, if that’s the right word, exclusively to processing Easyjet’s customers. Spending an hour in an abattoir would probably be less pleasant still, but it would at least be salutary. There is nothing to be gained in an hour spent in Terminal C at Barcelona Airport, other than a more realistically despondent appraisal of the prognosis for Homo sapiens than the one you subscribed to prior to entering the temple.

Of course I did not buy the sandwich with the intention of eating it. Notionally, it’s a ham and cheese sandwich but its ingredients included no fewer than sixteen – yes sixteen – E-numbers. The first ingredient listed, ‘pan blanco molde’ was at least accurate, assuming the words were written in GSCE-A* English. I’d been under the naïve misapprehension that E-numbers had been banned under the Geneva Convention (or do I mean the Treaty of Rome?) but, if so, La Cervecería is either oblivious to the legal situation vis-à-vis slow-acting poisons or indifferent.

What caught my eye, as I shuffled silently forward in a queue of bovine conspecifics, was the intriguing headline claim on the sandwich box: ‘100% healthy, hand made & solidary’. Of these three claims, the first is obviously a lie. Nothing with so many flavour-enhancers, fungal-inhibitors and sogginess-suckers incorporated into its being could be anything other than seriously injurious to your health if consumed. The second claim is plausible, though hardly a virtue. Given that I paid only two Euros for the sandwich, the labour component cannot have amounted to more than a Euro cent or so, implying that the unfortunate assembler probably cannot afford soap. The third claim is fascinating. What could it mean? That the sandwich is all alone and in desperate need of a friend? That, when not for sale at Barcelona Airport, it is on the picket lines with the dock-workers of Vladivostok? That, on account of the anti-deliquescent (E-666), it has not yet decomposed into its natural liquid state?

‘Cuina Justa’, the brand name, means ‘Fair Cuisine’ in Catalan, according to Google Translate. I think that must be a sophisticated, multi-layered joke but I don’t get. Would you eat this thing? Would you feed it to your children? Or your dog? If so, can I recommend you slip a prophylactic dose of Ritalin between the slices of pan blanco molde?

Before I leave the subject of this extraordinary sandwich alone, here is a gratuitously offensive image of the results of a dissection I conducted.


As a result of my investigations into La Cervecería’s sandwiches, I boarded my flight simultaneously hungry and somehow lacking an appetite. I felt that a packet of nuts and a plastic cup of red wine would probably fill this paradox-shaped hole. First we had to get through the rigmarole of safety demonstration, take-off, ascent to cruising altitude and rush to the toilets of returning stag party members. Allowing for the announcement that the toilets are no longer in service, rush to toilets of returning stag party members, descent and landing, this left about 20 minutes during which the cabin crew could sell us stuff. My nuts didn’t so much fill the hole as disappear over its event horizon but there was no opportunity to buy more (at about ten cents per nut) because the cheeky chappy, who’d earlier told us he was on board primarily for our safety, was busy flogging scratch cards to the returning stag party members, whose ability to calculate odds was evidently impaired.

Out of curiosity, who believes that the cabin crew on an Easyjet flight are primarily there for your safety? Even the plumpest beneficiary of the company’s positive discrimination policy could hardly provide sufficient cushioning between you and certain death in the event of a genuine emergency. In a similar vein, I cannot help wondering whether seat belts on aircraft have ever saved lives. Has anyone ever gone on daytime TV and tearfully thanked the late cabin crew for instructing her in seat belt fastening techniques prior to the catastrophic explosion that killed everyone else on board? In fairness, not everyone knows how to fasten a seat belt. I was once on a flight between Quito and Buenos Aires when the woman sitting next to me picked up the two ends of her seat belt and contemplated them in the manner of the ape eyeing a thighbone in Arthur C. Clarke’s ‘2001. A Space Odyssey.’ She is hardly representative of the travelling public, however, and one wonders whether the time has not come to dispense with this pointless and embarrassing routine. Do the airlines’ lawyers really imagine that the inconsolable relatives of plane crash victims are going to sue (successfully) on the grounds that their incinerated loved-ones weren’t told how to fasten their seat belts?

Friday 15 June 2012

The Road to Hell

Ghosts do not exist, of course, but if they did the road from Obrovac to Sveti Rok in Croatia would pullulate with the outraged spirits of dead young men. These days the A1 motorway plunges underneath the Velebit Mountains through a five kilometre tunnel above which Serbian separatists fighting for an independent Krajina, 'ethnically cleansed' tens of thousands of Croats during the war of Croatian Independence. I have driven through this tunnel many times and often wanted to leave the motorway and explore the surrounding hills but have never previously found the time to do so.

I finally had the opportunity last week to drive the brilliantly engineered but now redundant road over the pass by Mount Alan. The landscape is ravishingly lovely. The brilliant white limestone has been sculpted by aeons of rainfall into spectacular, rounded forms that seem almost organic. On the seaward side of the Velebit range Juniper and Hornbeam have been topiarised by the incessant wind into rock-hugging blankets that obscure all sharp edges and accentuate the spine-tingling sense that the entire mountain is alive.



I drove the road from south to north and immediately encountered signs indicating that the land is still littered with landmines, fifteen years after the end of the fighting in this part of Croatia.


Further along the road frequent memorials appeared, dedicated to the men who died here trying to kill similar young men on the other side. It is really impossible for an outsider like me to understand what drove the politicians who sent so many ignorant, innocent soldiers and civilians to their deaths, in the name of an independent Croatia or Krajina. Nationalism is surely a deadlier virus than any of the other plagues to which our biology make us vulnerable. It has proven over the centuries unbelievably easy for charismatic leaders to unite a people against a manufactured foe of 'others', in pursuit of the leader's ambitions. Here is one poignant shrine, nearly at the highest point on the road.


I saw only one other vehicle on the road, parked, with two men standing beside it gazing out at the view. They smiled at me as I passed. All the dwellings, bar one, had been destroyed.


Driving the few miles of this road took me a couple of hours. The juxtaposition of astonishing natural beauty and the sense that evil had been done here was mind-bending (for the avoidance of doubt, I don't intend the word 'sense' to be understood in a supernatural sense, but I've never been anywhere else where the intuition that truly awful acts had been committed was so tangible).



Thursday 14 June 2012

Clinically tested*


On an Easyjet flight it is impossible to ignore the back of the headrest in front of you because it is approximately six inches closer to your face than the length of an average human male’s femur. Most people think that Easyjet only does short haul because the economics of low fare airlines don’t work over four hours but in fact it’s a neat way of ensuring that most of the deaths from deep vein thrombosis occur when the passengers are in the terminal building and someone else’s problem.

There are few things that cause the cock of an MBA student to twitch more reliably than a captive audience, which I assume explains the fact that, obscuring the vomit stains on the back of every Easyjet seat there is an advertisement. Did you know that the soft drinks sold on board are now available in larger cans? You do now. Larger than what? is the obvious question but the seat back is silent on this subject. In fact I had to consult the seat back in front of my neighbour, half the length of an average human male’s humerus to my right, to glean this intelligence on soft drinks. My own advertisement was for a gel that allegedly* causes eyelashes to grow by up to 2.5mm. Putting to one side the question why anyone with an intellect superior to a camel’s would want to encourage such growth, I read the small print. The clinical test involved 12 (sic) volunteers (sic), monitored for 28 (sic) days and this is apparently enough to satisfy the advertising standards (sic) agency that it has fulfilled its duty to protect the great British public from itself. What would we do without it? I was tempted to buy a pot of this gel, if only to determine whether its application would encourage the elongation of nipple and anal hair too but the logistical difficulties of conducting a clinical test* seemed insurmountable, so I didn’t.

Anyway, the advertisement got me thinking, another victory for the law of unintended consequences. On my short journey from Gatwick to Kingsdown, how many instances of the moronic speaking to the lobotomised could I count, without going out of my way? Here is my short but, I think, revealing list.

On inserting my (valid) ticket into the ticket barrier I got, instead of an open barrier, the message ‘seek assistance’. Why? And from whom? In the absence of available assistants I hauled my three heavy bags to one side, ignoring the curses from behind me, and went in seek of help. The representative of ‘Great Western’ eyed me as though I were a criminal (which I am, but not WRT train tickets) and eventually opened the barrier next to the one in front of which I had placed my bags.

Sagging wearily into my seat I noticed that there was a leaflet in a pouch on the seat back, mercifully further in front of me than the length of my femur. ‘Please read this safety notice. It is intended to help you in the event of an emergency.’ It said. Just below this request, printed in bold, were the words ‘Do not remove’. If I were autistic I’d probably have committed suicide before reaching Swindon, having tried vainly to reconcile these mutually exclusive instructions but, in the event, I went to the buffet.

A large notice invited me to purchase one of the new ‘premium’ sandwiches. Unfortunately for those on a limited budget, there were no sub-prime sandwiches available, so I was forced to splash out on a premium BLT (same soggy bread, pig meat oozing pale, sticky fluid and limp lettuce, new higher price). I presume that the sign asserting that ‘All our sandwiches are made with specially selected ingredients’ was designed to reassure me and other potential sandwich buyers. ‘Ooh, look, they’ve selected the ingredients specially. Well, I think I’ll take six then.’

Arriving at Chippenham a genuinely nice bloke offered to help me carry my bags over the bridge to the exit. I’m sure that it says more about 21st Century Homo sapiens than it does about me that this small act of kindness struck me at first as suspicious.

‘Lose 4kg in 28 days without going on a diet’. So read the front page of ‘Men’s Health’, a magazine devoted to, I presume, men’s health. If ever an asterisk were needed, this is surely the situation but there was no sign of *by running a marathon every day or * by committing suicide and allowing your corpse to decompose.

Here is a serious question. Is anyone reading this stupid enough to imagine that it is possible to lose weight without metabolising more calories than you consume? If you want to lose weight you can: eat less; exercise more or buy pills that cause your intestine to absorb less of the stuff you feed it. If you adopt the latter option you’ll have to put up with shitting liquid fat every few hours, an undeniable fact that the advertisements probably don’t mention. If you’ve found another way to convert matter into hot air, I beg you to publish in Physical Reviews, not Men’s Health.

So here I am, back home, having either survived or surrendered to the bullshit in which we are all permanently submerged. I am not a fan of regulation (feel free to disagree) but here are some ideas that I think actually deserve an asterisk but which will never receive one.

The meek shall inherit the earth.*1

Smokers die younger*2

Investing for a new world*3

Homeopathy*4

1.     …after a few thousand years of purgatory.
2.     …but a lot happier than tambourine-players
3.     … is not clever.
4.     …there are better ways to waste your money

Thursday 31 May 2012

How many children is your car worth?

Dr Melanie Nichols, an epidemiologist working for the British Heart Foundation, has determined that 4,500 lives per year would be saved if the government changed its advice regarding the safe limit for alcohol consumption to a quarter of a glass of wine a day (that's about a mouthful). In this insightful front page spread, The Daily Mail claims that 'Cutting consumption could stem the epidemic of alcohol-related chronic diseases set to cause 210,000 deaths during the next 20 years.' 

No Shit? Cutting inhalation would undoubtedly reduce the number of cases of infectious diseases although, because everyone would be brain dead, there seems little point in recommending this as a policy, even for the Liberal Democrats (though one doesn't need a focus group to see the obvious political benefits for the party of fairness). The only relevant difference between suggesting that people stop inhaling and that they stop drinking alcohol is that anyone following the first set of advice would die whereas those adopting the latter would merely wish they were dead.


Melanie seems to have assumed that deferring (she said 'preventing' but let's assume she's not as stupid as she sounds) 4,500 deaths is a good so obvious that it requires no further analysis. If you think about it for just a second, however, you will immediately see that some lives are worth more than others. I seriously doubt you disagree with this. Imagine yourself in the philosopher's balloon. With you is a healthy child and an old man, with cancer. You have to chuck one of them out, or you'll all die, and you are bolted to the floor, so you can't sacrifice yourself. 


In fact, we all implicitly calculate the value of an average life every day. The question posed in the title of this blog asks you to consider how many kids you think it's OK to kill every year in exchange for the freedom and convenience associated with driving yourself where you want to go. If you answered 'none' you are either an idiot or a hypocrite because a world in which cars driven by amateurs roam the roads implies that some children will die. Come on. How many do you think is reasonable? Ten a year? Twenty a year? A hundred? If the speed limit in towns were reduced to 10mph, the number of child fatalities on the roads would fall dramatically - I dare you to disagree with that claim. So surely you support a 10mph speed limit in towns? No? Well then you are implying that a certain level of child mortality is an acceptable price to pay for your freedom to drive through towns at a speed that gets you where you're going reasonably quickly.


As it happens, I agree with you, sicko. There is an acceptable level of child mortality - a price worth paying for the freedom to drive. Likewise I'd argue that, given we all will die eventually, the question we should be asking ourselves is not how long we shall live but how well? To take my own case, I could extend my own life, perhaps by decades, if I stopped drinking alcohol. I might also enhance the life of my wife and children and others who love me. But my own life would be diminished, a lot.

Wednesday 30 May 2012

Blighty

So I land at Heathrow after three fantastic days in Turkey. Extraordinary flora, delightful people, nice kebabs, Turkish Delight, an enlightened attitude to alcohol. Need I say more?

Joining the queue accessible only to those with a new passport containing a chip enabling iris-scanning cameras to do the job of customs officers, it immediately became apparent that the line of people waiting to enter the UK the old-fashioned way was about half as long and moving much faster. Many of the people ahead of me voted with their feet, ducking under the barrier and presenting their passports to an actual person but I was determined to test my theory that the new technology doesn't work. I was not disappointed. Two in front of me was sternly expelled from the queue for having a baby with him. 'What? Aren't babies human beings?' He loudly asked as he was marched away. One in front of me was a black man who made the mistake of wearing spectacles into the booth where your iris is scanned. A helpful lady told him to remove his glasses, which he meekly did, but it then became obvious that without glasses he was practically blind, so he started swaying around, trying to see his own image on the screen. Eventually the system rejected him and he was led away, muttering. I approached the booth, fairly confident, being childless, sighted, white, middle class and still closely resembling my recent mug shot. No deal. The computer detected an 'intruder alert', which turned out to be the small rucksack I had been carrying as hand luggage. So far I've used the new system four times and it has allowed me to enter the UK once.

On the Turkish Airlines flight home I had drunk a certain quantity of wine and, having been grudgingly readmitted to the land of my birth, I urgently needed a pee. Following the signs after arrivals I was directed out of the terminal building to a bog in a bus stop. Both the male and female toilets were out of order. Diverting all available resources to my sphincters, I made haste to the Heathrow Express ('Enjoy The Journey' said the advert in the terminal. Given that it costs about £1.20 per minute, in the highly unlikely event it's on time, that's a particularly stupid suggestion). I didn't have a ticket, so I approached the ticket desk and, not unreasonably I thought, asked to buy a ticket to Chippenham. 'Sorry', said the bloke with the air of someone who had heard this question before, 'I can only sell you a ticket into London.' 'So I have to queue again when I get to Paddington?' 'Yes.'

The 7pm train to Chippenham, the first one of the evening that doesn't require a mortgage to finance, was late leaving. It always is.

My question for Boris Johnson, David Cameron and other apologists for this shit-hole of a country is this: when visitors from the USA, elsewhere in Europe or from a developed country such as Singapore arrive to witness the Olympic Games, what are they going to think when they encounter the series of entirely routine inconveniences that we place prominently in the way of travelers at every port of entry? There can be few British subjects less patriotic than I am but even I feel genuinely embarrassed by the shoddy fashion in which we greet tourists and returning inmates.

Thursday 26 April 2012

Life in the Freezer

Some old friends and I have a long running competition to nominate candidates for the world's worst job award. I believe that my inaugural entry, on behalf of the guy employed to scrape human faeces through a slot in the rear wall of a brick shit house on the shores of Lake Volta in Ghana, is ahead by a nose. My friend S avers that the equivalent of the graduate trainee position at the Addis Ababa abbatoir is worse. This post requires incumbents to haul the skeletons and inedible - even in Ethiopia, where bits of an animal are prized in exact inverse proportion to their comestibility - offal of slaughtered beasts to the top of a vast mountain of rotting flesh and bone. I suppose that in the end there is little to choose between these and countless other extraordinary affronts to human dignity and I sometimes think that the people who complain about hard working Eastern European immigrants taking 'our' jobs and doing them well and cheerfully for the minimum wage should be sent to do a stint as a toilet scraper in Kete Krachi. What it would teach them I'm not sure, but I'm sure they'd learn.

The closest I have come to being in a position to nominate myself for this prestigious gong came this afternoon when I embarked on a task I had unwisely been putting off for several days, emptying the contents of a chest freezer into bin bags and dumping the dripping, reeking sacks into several wheelie bins, most of them belonging to my neighbours. When you defer a task of this nature for several days, during which time the freezer is unconnected to a power source, it becomes infinitely more painful than it would have been if tackled while only the most superficial layers had begun to putrefy.

I considered, I confess, softly closing the lid and tiptoeing away. But in the end I decided that being responsible for pebble dashing the entire street with lumps of putrid flesh following an explosion caused by methane build up in the freezer would render me even less popular in the village than I am currently. As I worked my way swiftly through the Pleistocene, disinterring the remains of what had been a hare, several rabbits, a pheasant and various other still extant animal taxa, I concluded prematurely that this was going to be easier than I'd thought. Beneath the geologically recent deposits however, stacked as neatly as strata in the Grand Canyon, were layer-upon-layer of tupperware boxes containing solids and liquids identifiable only by virtue of the fading labels on their lids. As I reached, gagging, into the noisome pre-Cambrian depths of the cabinet I swear I could hear David Attenborough murmuring 'and here, in the unlikely setting of a dimly-lit garage in Wiltshire, are the astonishingly well-preserved remains of creatures never before seen by human eyes. To capture them on film, our crew had to endure conditions as extreme as exist anywhere on the planet.'

The worst, of course, was to come, for I felt bizarrely obliged to empty and wash the boxes. This experience resulted in the discovery that a deep freeze, while slowing the rate of bacterial multiplication, does not halt it altogether. I can report that a container of my wife's mussel soup, which smelt as bracing as Grimsby harbour in the teeth of an onshore gale when it entered the sarcophagus in 2006, had become considerably more pungent by the time of its exhumation. As an aside, and for fear of reprisals, I should add that my wife has many talents, including great virtuosity in the kitchen department, but her recipe for mussel soup (scrape all the revolting bits of molluscan gastro-intestinal tract left at the bottom of of bowl of mussels after the good bits have been eaten, add water and a tin of tomatoes and blitz) is an abberation. Just as I was sluicing the last of the deliquescing freezer contents down the plughole, my daughter came into the kitchen to complain that the program she and her brother were watching on TV was a bit scary. Since the channel in question was CBeebies, where the scariest thing that ever happens is Iggle Piggle having a domestic with Upsy Daisy, I decided not to invite her to look into the sink.

When Elsje grows up, I hope she has the good sense never to buy a chest freezer, the only function of which is to defer the feelings of guilt that accompany throwing away vast quantities of perfectly edible food. Whoever dreamed up the idea of freezing the stuff for years (decades in our case), thereby pointlessly consuming yet more of the earth's finite resources, must have been an evil genius on a par with the inventor of the Vacu-Vin. As I discovered this afternoon, guilt can be deferred but it can't, in the end, be evaded.

Monday 23 April 2012

I can make you rue the day you met me.

Have you ever bought a 'self help' book? Given the popularity of the genre, it is surely surprising that there isn't an obvious surplus of intellectually satisfied working mums bursting with energy at the end of another exhausting day; well-rounded children entirely undismayed by their parents' divorce; kitchen-table entrepreneurs who have turned their off-the-cuff dinner party idea into millions and 'new' men who are fabulous lovers, caring fathers and never, ever forget their wedding anniversary.

It would be interesting to see a graph correlating sales of self help books per capita and some index of well-being by country. In the absence of data one could remain silent or one could speculate. So here goes.  According to this authoritative source, the self improvement market in the USA is worth $9.6 billion per annum; 40,000 people work as 'life coaches' and in 2005 $693 million was spent by Americans on self help books. That's $2.2 per capita, including children. The USA in 2011 ranked 31st among nation states in this quality of life index. Glancing at the countries flanking the USA in the survey: Poland, Estonia, Croatia, Lithuania, Chile, I guess that the self help book market in these places, while quite possibly flourishing, has not yet gone viral. As I said, I have no data, I'm just saying.

Is it just me or does everyone agree that $9.6 billion would do more good spent on, say, hunting down and exterminating, like the vermin they are, practitioners of female genital mutilation? Or even just sending about $1.20 to every human being on the planet, including many to whom that would represent a day's wages or more. Put differently, $9.6 billion equates to about 1.5% of the US defence budget, which gets you about a dozen dead Arabs, at the current rate of exchange.

Help me out someone. Why does anyone buy these books? In the self-esteem stakes, I'm up there with the unlucky inhabitants of Zimbabwe and Somalia but I have never sunk so low as to think that Paul McKenna, or any other loathsome charlatan can make me rich or even save me from poverty.

Friday 20 April 2012

The Long March

The myth of Sisyphus is surely the easiest of all ancient parables to relate to. Every human life consists, in a sense, in waging an unwinnable war against gravity. From apocalyptic seismic upheavals to surgically unalterable sagging tits, the weakest of the universe's fundamental forces has her way with us all in the end. Still, it comes as a surprise - call me naive - to find oneself suddenly at the bottom of the anthill one has spent so many years laboriously climbing. I think in this situation it would be better to be an ant. I suspect that individual ants are fairly resigned to their lot in life, whereas I am not.

Mao Zedong's ascent to total power was enabled by the manner in which he turned a long series of defeats, retreats and retrenchments to his advantage. History has not, of course, been kind to Mao but he surely lived the dream in his own lifetime. It's not that I think I'm Mao or anything but they're not feeding me lithium yet, so I am still capable of fantasising that somehow I will yet snatch victory, or at least continence, from the jaws of defeat. Do I have the stomach, or the arsehole, for another assault on the anthill? I don't know.

Thank all the gods in whom I do not believe for giving me a hobby. When I was a child my profoundest wish was to be old and rich enough to be able to add a specimen of Conus gloriamaris to my shell collection. When I was old and rich enough, I found that I no longer wanted one. This constant failure of one's means to satisfy one's aspirations is another of life's bitter lessons. I have found however - and this may be my salvation - that the urge to collect, cultivate and share as many as possible of the world's plants has become a consuming passion that I hope will burn as ferociously as it does now, for the rest of my life.

Wednesday 18 April 2012

Stability

I spent my childhood living in a war zone. Not literally, although until I was seven I lived in Rhodesia under Ian Smith's UDI government. The terrorists - sorry, freedom fighters - were never far from our thoughts or our doorstep. The war that did far more damage to me was waged between my parents, who hated one another with a passion that astonishes me to this day. I once asked my Dad why on earth he'd married Mum, given his obvious loathing of the very sight of her. 'Sex.' He said, loudly.

Dad was away most of the time, either on business or avoiding UK tax. I missed him desperately, viscerally and yearned for his return when he was absent. When he did come home I swear he was in a screaming row with my mother within an hour. It was always about money (he didn't give her enough; she was too profligate with what he gave her). I loved and still love my mother too and found it unbearably upsetting to witness the two central figures in my life at war. So I intervened, or tried to. I interposed my little eight-year old body between my enraged parents and begged them to stop.

So far as I recall, there was never any physical violence. Dad was a peaceful man, perhaps even a pacifist and Mum had better ways of hurting him than hitting him. But for me, they might as well have locked me in a cage and beaten me till I howled for all the joy I extracted from their parenting style.

It is fair to say that my childhood was miserable. The handful of happy memories that I have salvaged from my childhood are as tiny islands in an ocean of anguish. I could not wait to grow up - I yearned for freedom from the slavery of childhood - and it has been one of life's cruelest lessons that adulthood is even worse. Precisely because of my own miserable childhood, I did not want children of my own. My two children were both conceived unintentionally. One quickly realises, as a father, that the unconditional love that exists between a parent and a child is automatic. It requires no effort. So I did not have to decide to love my children. The feeling of their small, warm bodies clinging to mine in answer to some ancient primate need is enough to keep up bonded.

When Elsje, my daughter, was born, I was full of hopes, not only about how I wouldn't screw her up, but about how I'd help to raise her in a household full of fun, ideas, delicious food and love. She would spend her entire childhood in one house, a place she would forever think of as home.

Well, it wasn't to be. Elsje is seven and has had three addresses. Tonight she is spending her first night in her fourth home.  I cannot now recall whether I had lived at more than four addressed before I turned seven, but it wouldn't surprise me if it were true. Elsje and her brother, my son, Pieter are wildly excited about 'changing houses', for which they have Corinne to thank. In fact, Corinne is the rock to which their young lives are tethered and she deserves sole credit for the fact that they seem to be wonderfully well-adjusted, polite, friendly and ever-so-slightly mischievous young people.

I would have liked to give them the stable home that I craved when I was a child but they seem not to need it. In a sense, this was obviously going to be true. Providing them with solutions to my problems was never going to provide answers to theirs. In fairness to myself, I think this is not something most parents understand before it is too late. Or maybe that is special pleading from me.

What I mean to say is that I feel absolute anguish. I do not seem able to control the flow of events, except within a very limited purview, and I worry that my beloved children will end up as fucked-up as me, as a result of this failing. I have found a way of getting though the day, from the point where I emerge from a drug-induced coma, to the point where I sink into a drug-induced coma. But my children deserve better (or at least have done nothing to earn worse). Hey ho. Night night.

Thursday 5 April 2012

Value destruction

When I started writing 'Life in the Sauce', the predecessor to Alphatuosity, 15 months ago my hope was that writing about my catastrophe-prone random wobble through existence would prove cathartic. I also hoped that it would be funny, at least to anyone with an appreciation of slapstick and a guilty fondness for schadenfreude, that unloveliest but most distinctively human of emotions. In the first aim, LitS was a qualified success. I think the only reason I survived the darkest hours was that, when I was suicidal, I was often too busy writing to surrender to the mesmerising, beckoning call of oblivion. In the second aim I certainly failed and one unintended consequence of my blogging life has been the discovery that I possess one sick sense of humour. You, my friends, seem not to find my travails funny, for which I suppose I should be grateful.

In addition to my blogging, three other props have kept me limping along. The first and most useful of these is obviously alcohol, about which I have written more than enough. The second is the knowledge that, however far I fall, there will always be Christians, Muslims and other religious scum beneath me. Finally, there have been plants, thousands upon thousands of plants. Shortly before I went mad, when I was still forcing myself, in a daily effort of will that is now beyond my comprehension, onto the London train every day, one of my colleagues caught me browsing a plant catalogue online. 'Do your plants know you look at other plants on the internet?' He asked and I knew it was game over.

I do not, of course, think that a belief in fate is coherent but I do think that there are grooves and fissures in the landscape of possible futures down which real human lives flow like water on a beach. My recent life has been running through a particularly deep channel, a Grand Canyon snaking across the Arizona of alternative lives. This is not to absolve myself of blame. On the contrary, my precipitous decline has been entirely of my own making, to the extent we have any control at all. As a friend (sic) put it in an email, 'in the supernovae of fuck-ups, you are certainly one of the brightest and most admirable dead stars', one of the nicest compliments that has ever been paid to me.

Recent events have not so much been a case of decline and fall as turn turtle and plummet. At one time I flew across the Atlantic so frequently that I was briefly one of Virgin's most valued customers and in this capacity was invited to spend a night in a warehouse in Crawley with other gold card holders, testing out the new 'Upper Class' cabin. As experiences go, this was as surreal as they come without drugs (except alcohol, of which there was plenty), complete with piped background engine noise, which stopped momentarily every time the tape looped, causing me to awake in terror, imagining I was hurtling earthwards in a burning airframe. In the morning we assembled to provide feedback. One question we were asked was whether, if an airbag were incorporated into the seat belt (only in Upper Class naturally), we would feel safer. If you have ever felt envious of the fat cats at the front of the plane, reflect that most of my fellow panelists answered 'yes' and the airbags were duly installed.

The props that I've been leaning on these past few years feel as comforting now as an airbag between me and an uncontrolled descent into the sixth cordillera of the Andes. I'm going down and nothing, but nothing, is going to break the fall. Ironically, I'm no longer suicidal. Although death would be an eminently rational choice now (reproductive life over, children not yet fucked-up by alcoholic father, friends still abundant, not yet incontinent), I am too curious about what next spring might bring to top myself.

Today I signed a contract that wipes out my entire net worth. I sold my house for a loss of £650,000, which is what I was technically worth yesterday. I did this because there seems to be no choice. The day would soon have come when I could no longer pay the mortgage and the house would have been repossessed, leaving me bankrupt, with no house. At least this way my wife and children have salvaged enough money to start again, free of debt and the far more onerous burden of an association with me. I have some land and an awful lot of plants, around which I must now organise my life. There are also three stables, which I use for storage of pots and compost. It seems appropriate, at this time of year, to reflect that whereas Christ was born in a stable and went on to achieve immortality, I am likely to die in one and go quietly into the void.

Wednesday 28 March 2012

Psychiatry Redux

Will someone please remind me what psychiatrists are for? At one time I thought I knew the answer to this question but a lot of things have become less clear, since I stopped taking the blue pills.

My first psychiatrist impressed me hugely by summarising my life story in short, declarative sentences (about five of them) after a 45 minute consultation. Then, when I'd internalised the implications of this intellectual tour-de-force, I sank deeper into depression. I decided that suicide was the only sensible option and got as far as a wine bar, into which I descended to drink my last bottle of wine. Three bottles of wine later, I had lost the will to die and I went sheepishly home, never to return to work.

Psychiatrist number two operates out of the Priory, a loony bin for the well-insured. She changed my drugs, doubled the doses occasionally and advised me to find a therapist.

Shrink number three is an addiction specialist and has so far succeeded in trampling underfoot the miniscule sense of self worth that had survived the last few years of misery.

Presumably most psychiatrists embark on their careers with a sense of mission. Or perhaps I am being too generous. I really wonder, having suffered at the hands of the profession, whether its practitioners ever ask themselves what they are trying to achieve. Are they trying to minimize their patients' suffering? Are they trying to maximize their happiness? Are they trying to find a socially acceptable way of reintroducing mentally ill people to general society? Are they simply going to work and trying to get through the day without irretrievably fucking up their careers?

The three that I've been exposed to haven't, so far as I can tell, asked themselves this question. No. 1 was more interested in discussing his bond portfolio than my mental health. No.2's over-riding goal was to improve the IRR of The Priory's owner, my employer, RBS. No.3 is messianic in his conviction that substance abuse is the source of all evil, in which respect he is mistaken.

Over the years since I received the cathartic but fateful diagnosis of depression I have encountered dozens of general practitioners, psychiatrists, therapists and psychologists, only one of whom I admire. Only this one person can be said to have done me any good. I cannot help but wonder whether, if the profession of psychiatry were abolished, the quota of good in the world would increase or diminish.

Wednesday 14 March 2012

Perspectives

One of the benefits of having scientific, as opposed to religious heroes is that you are free to disagree, vehemently, with some or most of what your hero believes. Richard Feynman, for instance, was notoriously contemptuous of philosophy. 'Philosophy of Science is as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds.' Is one of the kinder ways he found to express this loathing. But I think he underestimated the need that ordinary scientists have to be told (by philosophers) what they meant when they said... If you think that believers have the same freedom with respect to their heroes, ask yourself when you last heard a priest say 'Yeah, I admire God but I think he's a bit unsound on buggery.' Religious critics of God's alleged views on buggery are reduced to arguing that God did not in fact claim that buggery's just reward is an appointment with the state executioner (Leviticus 20:13).

So the fact that David Deutsch doesn't just look like he ought to be a genius but is in fact a genius does not in the least deter me from thinking he's got a dodgy sense of perspective. Promoting his book The Beginning of Infinity, which I recommend, he performs an entertaining stunt in this lecture, illustrating what it is like to occupy a 'typical' place in the universe. It is of course dark there and cold. Apparently photons are so rarefied out there that a supernova in the nearest galaxy wouldn't register on your retina if you were staring right at it when the light reached you. He concludes that, therefore, living in a brightly lit, warm part of the universe is pretty special. In a couple of skips and a jump he's gone from there to the claim that there are no limits to (suitably augmented) human understanding and that we are at the very beginning of a journey of intellectual discovery that will transform our descendants into gods. David Deutsch is, I think it fair to say, an optimist.

Deutsch's mistake is surely the same as that made by the lottery winner who thinks to himself, 'well fuck me, I'm a millionaire, when yesterday I was a simple toilet cleaner. Makes you think. There must be someone up there looking out for me.' Come off it, David. The odds imply that someone had to win the lottery. That doesn't mean there's anything special about the winner. The physical constants that pertain in our universe imply that most of it is devoid of photons and heat but also that a few bright spots must exist, for a while. Of course David Deutsch exists in one of those bright spots. To be fair, Deutsch is not helping himself to the claim that he was put here, but he is certainly reading much more into the fact of his existence than that mundane event warrants. Douglas Adams' vainglorious puddle would find itself in an unusual alliance with Deutsch and the Pope.

I think that many of the mistakes that our species has made stem from failures of our sense of perspective. For various reasons, I have spent a lot of time recently driving up and down the M5 motorway, which runs roughly north-south through southern England. There are several sections of this road that are, so the signs say, being 'upgraded to managed motorways'. For present purposes it implies that the speed limit in these zones is 50mph and new average speed cameras enforce rigid compliance. As a result of this triumph of technology over liberty, I have noticed that the difference between 49mph and 51mph is really obvious. To the extent that I become impatient with the driver of a car ahead of me in the same lane traveling 1mph slower than the limit. I presume that the reason for this sensitivity is that, despite the fact that until a couple of hundred or so years ago, no human had traveled at these speeds, the mechanisms that enable us to gauge our velocity when walking or running still function at the velocities prevailing on a typical British motorway. Step into an aeroplane, however, and once you are at cruising altitude all sense of speed is lost. Of course you know that you are moving at 500mph but, gazing down at the land below, it just doesn't feel that way.

Or what about the alleged wisdom of 'ancient' civilisations? Whenever some cretin tells me that a certain 'ancient' remedy is a sovereign cure for the common cold I want to tie the fucker down and saw his leg off using ancient surgical techniques. Recorded history extends, at the very most, three millennia into our past. Homo sapiens is about 200, 000 years old (that is, the lineage that led to all extant human beings diverged from other hominids about that long ago). In other words, the most ancient 'wisdom' to which we have access is about 1.5% as old as our species, which is in turn a neophyte on the global biodiversity stage. In comparison with the span if the history of life on earth, our most ancient texts are insignificantly earlier than contemporary texts.

Well, OK, but we are still at the summit of the immense mountain that evolution has scaled to produce us, aren't we? This is the most pernicious of all human conceits. Evolution didn't have us 'in mind' on its long, blind journey from our ancestors. We are precisely - no more and no less - as 'evolved' as every other extant organism on earth. We occupy a position at the terminus of one of millions of spokes on the wheel of life. The bacteria in her small intestine can trace their ancestry exactly as far back as the Queen of England, to the Last Universal Common Ancestor (LUCA).

'You are here' at about 10.30


One of the things I'm trying to learn about at the moment is how my conspecifics have thought about ethics during our very recent (say 3,000 year) history. When you approach the literature on this subject from a more-or-less random direction, as I have done, you quickly realise that there are two camps. According to one camp, humans of all societies are all the same, ethically speaking. Just as you can take a day-old baby from anywhere on earth, place it in a family anywhere else on earth and watch it acquire effortlessly the language of its adoptive parents, this camp says, the same baby will effortlessly acquire the moral mores of the culture in which it is raised. This is because humans posess a 'moral grammar' analogous with the universal grammar that all humans share (see here). What matters, therefore, is how we use the knowledge that our values are as much the product of natural selection as the shape of our noses. The other camp says no, no, no, morality is a cultural construct. Biology has nothing to do with it. Criticism of cannibalism or Nazism is therefore just another form of imperialism and should not be taken seriously.

This second claim makes me so cross that I want to stamp my feet, preferably repeatedly on the heads of the morons who adhere to this view. I defy you to look at the picture above and understand it and remain proud of your status as a human being. We humans are, to all intents and purposes, identical with respect to our values. The difference between Camus and a cannibal is trivial in comparison with the difference between both of them and a chimpanzee. Perspective. It's all about perspective.

Monday 12 March 2012

Perspective

The spacecraft Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11 were launched in the early 1970s and are drifting silently away from earth to this day. On the side of each probe is a small gold-anodised, aluminium plaque, six inches by nine depicting representations of the species - Homo sapiens - that built and launched them. The wonderful, whimsical idea, conceived by Carl Sagan, was that an alien intelligence discovering the probe in the far future could decipher the inscriptions and learn something of what we had been and hoped to become. What do you say to a hypothetical alien species using no more than 52 square inches of aluminium plate and how do you express yourself? A great question surely for A-level students of critical thinking. NASA's answer was to use the language of mathematics, which seems to be universal, and to provide a sort of Rosetta Stone in the form of depictions of the hydrogen atom (hydrogen is the commonest element in the universe) and a pulsar map. It also included drawings of a man and a woman, naked, provoking the utterly delicious criticism that NASA was using taxpayers' dollars to 'send smut to the stars' (note the censorship of the woman's genitalia).



Voyager I, launched in 1977 - later than the Pioneer craft - is further from earth than any other human artefact. It is currently approaching interstellar space, 120 times further from earth than earth is from the sun (that's 180, 000, 000, 000 kilometers or 4.28 kilometers for every dollar of net worth of Carlos Slim Helu, the richest man in the Solar System), and in 2014 will cross the heliopause, the theoretical boundary where the solar wind is balanced by whispers from elsewhere in the galaxy. Building on the Pioneer plaque, NASA included in each Voyager spaceship a disc encoding a few images of typical earth scenes (e.g. multicultural groups of well-fed children playing happily together) and a diverse selection of music from recent earth history. There's a lovely story (also attributed to Sagan) told about the late Douglas Adams. When he heard that a snatch of Bach's music had been considered for inclusion (and rejected) he said something like: 'don't you think that would have been showing off?'

The story may be apocryphal. It doesn't matter. It's trademark Douglas Adams in that it puts an explosive bullet through the center of parochialism's underdeveloped frontal lobes. The very finest Adams riff was a spontaneously delivered demolition of the hard anthropic principle, the vainest and most absurd of all our species's many parochial fantasies.

'... imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in, an interesting hole I find myself in, fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be all right, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for.'

Douglas Adams is a hero of mine because he made me simultaneously acutely aware of my own insignificance and glad to be a relatively well-educated human being. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I think it is fair to say, provides a sounder assessment of our species' importance ('mostly harmless') than all the creation stories of all our holy books combined. There's no point in rehearsing here the statistics that demonstrate our ephemerality (Sagan's 'Cosmos' does an unimpeachable job on this score but Monty Python makes the same point just as well, with added humour here).

Imagine you're a passenger on Voyager I, gazing back at Earth which is long-since irresolvable by your human eyes. Even the Sun is just a bright speck against the glorious galactic skyscape, like Venus viewed at dawn from the Atacama Desert back home. You've subscribed to a news digest service from Earth, just to keep in touch, and today's edition (a few hours out of date, for reasons that Einstein could probably have explained) contains an op-ed piece about this guy Rorty, who says that science and technology are just 'narratives', indistinguishable from other narratives about gods that make the sun rise each morning or devils who whisk away the souls of unbaptised children to an eternity of suffering in a hell beyond human imagining. Your eyebrows, frostbitten in the chill of interstellar space, rise a fraction of an inch (or should that be millimeter? it doesn't seem to matter out here) and you think 'but here I am, a few billion miles from home, thanks to the narrative that put me on top of a ten minute controlled explosion and launched me into space on a trajectory that took me via four gas giants and a few big rocks to this slightly lonely and very dark place. Could Huitzilopochtli really have brought me all this way? Or Jesus? He had some serious powers. Surely the Faculty of Social Studies at the Sorbonne could have designed a semiotic hermeneutics engine that could have propelled me at least this far on the crest of an immense wave of fart gas?

Sagan understood perfectly that the chances of an alien intelligence - if such exist - intercepting one of the Pioneer or Voyager probes is vanishingly small and that the messages were intended for human not alien audiences. Even if near-Earth interstellar space were littered with curious aliens, which it ain't, the chances of one of them noticing our toy rockets are miniscule. But let's just say that, in this, or a virtually identical parallel universe the unthinkable happened and the little green men happened upon Voyager I and decided to haul it into the cargo bay. What are the chances they'd be able to decipher and 'listen' to the recordings? What are the chances they'd appreciate Beethoven and Chuck Berry, both of whom made it onto the recordings, unlike Bach?


In the forgettable Monty Python movie 'Erik the Viking', Erik and his crew arrive at Hy-Brasil and are astonished to find it occupied by welcoming but musically incompetent people. This is funny because such a place could never exist, at least not on Earth. Why not? Because musicality is universally present in normal humans and hospitality to strangers is, if not universally absent, certainly not conspicuous by its presence in the tales and legends that have filtered down to us from prehistory. 


Human musicality is a genuine puzzle for evolutionary biologists. New born human babies have it; almost all adults (even those, like me, with a tin ear) have it; other primates appear not to; some birds might. Steven Pinker described music as 'auditory cheesecake', a super-stimulus that tickles pleasure centers that evolved for other reasons. He came in for a lot of criticism from people with a fine grasp of music but limited appreciation of the gaping holes in their own education (see here)1. The Dutch psychologist Henkjan Honing is also sceptical of Pinker's theory and has done some brilliant and fascinating research, which he summarises here, 16 minutes of unadulterated pleasure.


Music of course has an underlying mathematical structure. Sounds lacking rhythm are noise. An octave is the interval between two musical pitches that harmonise and it so happens that the ratio between the frequencies of corresponding pitches in successive octaves is 2:1. This pattern was discovered independently by many musical traditions long before the mathematical relationships were quantified. But the mathematics of music runs much deeper than this. In this article for example, Dmitri Tymoczko is quoted as claiming that 'When you are sitting at a piano, you are interacting with a very complicated geometry...In fact, composers in the early nineteenth century were already implicitly exploring such geometries through music that could not have been understood using the mathematics of the time...Just as a mountaineer will find that only a small number of all the possible routes between two points are actually negotiable, so musicians will have discovered empirically that their options are limited by the underlying shapes and structures of musical possibilities.'

The narrator of Jorge Luis Borges' novel The Library of Babel is a librarian in a vast hive of interlocking hexagonal rooms, each lined with bookshelves packed with books, each 410 pages long. The books appear to be randomly arranged on the shelves but the librarians have inferred that the library contains every permutation of a limited set of symbols, spaces and punctuation marks. Of course, almost all the books are gibberish or religious tracts but somewhere in the library there must exist improved versions of Shakespeare's plays, perfect predictions of the future and succinct, lucid explanations of true scientific theories not yet discovered. There are vastly many of these literary gems randomly scattered through the library but, because they represent a vanishingly small proportion of all the books, they cannot in practice be located. The librarians, unsurprisingly, go nuts.

There is a musical equivalent of the Library of Babel, a library containing all possible musical scores, of a certain length written with a small, finite number of symbols representing a restricted number of octaves, each divided into an arbitrary number of pitches, say twelve. Most of these scores, when played would be noise. A handful, however, would render Bach's sonatas banal by comparison. Unlike Borges' library, the 'musical' as opposed to noisy scores would run together like veins of ore in a lump of conglomerate. This is not just to say that these rivulets of music are the only scores in the library that could in principle be appreciated but that everything else isn't music, it's noise.

I do not begin to understand either the music or the mathematics underlying Tymoczko's analysis - so feel free to shoot me down - but it suggests the fascinating possibility that music might be a property of nature that humans in the course of our evolutionary history have not so much invented as discovered. Just as flying machines built by other civilisations on planets with gaseous atmospheres will operate using the same laws of aerodynamics that permit heavier-than-air flight on Earth, it is conceivable that intelligent denizens of another reasonably similar world (who will certainly have sense organs capable of interpreting sound waves) might have discovered some of the same pathways through the 'complicated geometry' of musical space. In other words, it is vanishingly improbable but just conceivable, that Chuck Berry could have another hit with 'Johnny B. Goode' on a different planet in another solar system in the far, far future. How cool is that?


1. As an aside, the following sentences from a review of The Music Instinct by Philip Ball, are as fine an example as you could wish for of complete gibberish I've read outside a holy book: 'We do not love music because it exercises our brains or makes us more attractive to members of the opposite sex, but because we have lived with it since we came into being: it is entwined in our common and individual consciousness to the extent that, simply put, we would not be ourselves without it. In contemplating the mysteries of music we are also thereby contemplating the mystery of ourselves.' This half-wit wants so badly that music be mysterious, he is prepared to bury all evidence to the contrary, while his audience watches him dig his own intellectual grave.